Trampolines: 1.1 deaths per year. Thankfully, after years of injuries and lawsuits, this hot, new Olympic-medal sport "is now mostly conducted in specialist gyms with certified trainers."
Roller coasters: 1.15 deaths per year. Unless you decide to take a spin on the Euthanasia Coaster, keep your hands inside the car; your next thrill-ride could be to the coroner's office.
Free-standing kitchen-range tip-overs: 1.31 deaths per year. If your home lacks a built-in stove, the next meal you cook could be your last supper.
Vending machines: 2.06 deaths per year. If too many of the high-fat snacks or sugary sodas don't take a leg or your life prematurely, rock or tilt one too violently while looking for a freebie, and you'll be sleeping with the Pepperidge Farm goldfishes.
Riding lawnmowers: 5.22 deaths per year. This mobile Grim Reaper might save your legs the grueling chore of walking around your lawn, but be sure to avoid the very sharp blade spinning 100 times per second.
Fireworks: 6.6 deaths per year. Most people are killed by powerful illegal fireworks and stupidity -- "When the fireworks did not go off, the victim looked inside the PVC piping" -- even as this terrifying safety poster warns: "Sparklers Can Burn at 2,000°F. Hot as a Blow Torch!"
Dogs: 16 deaths per year. Man's best friends, or Cerberus? Play too rough with pit bulls and Rottweilers -- the most lethal breeds of canine -- and that dog's leash could be your hangman's noose.
Skydiving: 21.2 deaths per year. You're a thrill-seeking adrenaline junky, but if your parachute fails to open, you'll go from 120 mph to zero in no time flat.
Crushed by television or furniture: 26.64 deaths per year. As I've noted, this is a bigger killer of Americans than terrorism, which led to this Colbert Report Threat Down warning against the perils of "terrorist furniture."
Noncommunicable diseases: 2,200,000 deaths per year. The risk factors of smoking, poor diet, lack of physical activity, and alcohol kill 87 percent of Americans prematurely. So get off the couch, and turn off Shark Week. Better yet, go for a swim.
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