So Obama won himself another election, eh? Another four years of that guy and his warm and fuzzy rhetoric -- it's enough to throw any honest-to-goodness flag-waving patriot into a fit of dry heaves. I mean, what is a person who loves God and corporation supposed to do for the next one thousand four hundred and sixty days?
The panic among Republicans -- or as I like to call them, Real Americans -- is palpable. People with traditional values are worried -- legalized pot on the horizon, gay marriage, death panels. It's like Cuba. The NRA is up in arms -- so to speak -- over the Second Amendment, tweeting its concern about what a second Obama term might mean for gun owners (so cute). Gun sales are soaring.
Truthfully, I hate to see my American cousins so fearful. The prospect of losing one's traditional power is a scary one. A "coalition of minorities" is enough to keep anyone up at night. Despite the fact that, to me, the key difference between Democrats and Republicans is the PR, I don't misunderestimate the sheer wild-eyed terror the Nobama crowd feels.
But fret not. As a Canadian, I feel it's my duty to help. OK, because I'm Canadian, I feel it's my duty to help. We're just like that. And I have a solution: Republicans, come to the Great White North.
Now, I know there's a stereotype about Canada that our southern neighbors have bought into -- that our strong banking regulations and universal health care and small military make Canada a socialist wonderland. But I'm here to say that Canada has much to offer fleeing Repub -- er, Real Americans.
There's a lot here that would be familiar to an American looking to relocate. We have the northern version of a variety of American institutions. For starters, we have Hollywood North, which is just like your Hollywood except it's smaller, colder, more polite, and not on the west coast. OK, Toronto is nothing like Hollywood but a lot of your movies are made here -- Toronto has led a double life as both New York and Chicago. Heck, it's even been cast as the City With No Name -- standing in for the never-named cities in great American cinema (Bride of Chucky, anyone?).
We also have Harvard North. It doesn't really matter that the University of Toronto is not much like Harvard but, you know, it makes it easier to help our American friends understand that we have some pretty good book learnin' up here too. Harvard North is much cheaper to attend than Real Harvard, and it has a great faculty lounge. And, oh, not to brag too much, but when Americans want to film at Harvard South or MIT but can't get permission (or can't afford it), then guess who comes to the rescue? That's right. You're welcome.
We even used to have a Guantánamo North up here. It would have been a nice reminder of home for tough-on-terror Republicans-on-the-run, but it was quietly shut down last winter. Sorry. But on the bright side, it wasn't so much that Canada was ashamed of the profound disregard for individual civil liberties that led to the shutdown, it was just too darned costly to run. Fiscal restraint FTW!