And for the more reproductively conservative, don't worry, we have something for you too! Sure, abortion's been legal in this country for decades, and there's been a general not-minding-that-women-have-control-of their-own-bodies, but Canada now too has its very own burgeoning Let's Get Into Women's Uteruses movement! With attempts to reopen the discussion in Parliament despite our prime minister (he's like a king but with slightly more accountability) saying "no way, eh," there's hope that women could lose some basic control over their reproductive plans. Republicans, it's just like back home.
Oh, and just for good measure, our government also hates Iran.
But just where in this Republican haven should fleeing Americans settle? Toronto is, of course, a world-class city -- it's not fake New York for nothin' -- but there are a lot of gay people here going around getting married and living their lives, running for public office, and just generally being human. So that might be a problem.
Montreal is nice, but it's in Quebec and, you know, The French. Vancouver has its own Real Housewives franchise and I'm told there's nothing a Republican likes better than a housewife, but all that rain will remind you of Seattle. And who wants to be reminded of Seattle?
But there is one place a person running from the specter of Obama's socialism could go: Alberta! You probably didn't know it, but Canada has a Texas North too! Alberta's got oil! It's got the Calgary Stampede, replete with cowboy hats and chuckwagon races and chaps! Alberta's got a booming economy with oil and gas developers having a disproportionate say in what happens! And it's the epicenter of Canada's conservative politics, with its outer extremes of Zionist evangelicals and teeny, tiny government libertarians.
OK, sure, the mayor of Calgary is a Muslim and the mayor of the second-largest city, Edmonton, is Jewish, and the premier of the province is a woman, but don't let that fool you. When an Albertan speaks, apparently it's with a Texas twang.
In fact, Alberta is so beloved by our current Conservative administration that our very own Stephen Harper, in the days before he became our prime minister, advocated building a protective "firewall" around Alberta to keep big government out. That's so Texas.
And, if at the end of the day, even Alberta's conservatism proves to be not enough, one can simply go to the province's northernmost point. It's not far from Alaska. Maybe you can spot Sarah Palin from your house.
For more information about Canada, check out our citizenship and immigration website. Or just look at the FAQ at www.timhortons.com.