Fiscal cliff? What fiscal cliff? Congress has taken the week off for Thanksgiving. Middle East calamity? What Middle East calamity? The president is traipsing around Southeast Asia in a number of countries that haven't been urgently important to the United States since the 1970s.
To read the newspaper, you might conclude our leaders in Washington have their priorities all wrong. But then comes the news that, according to Jill Kelley, America's most influential real housewife of Tampa Bay, both our CIA director and the commander of NATO forces in Afghanistan took time out of their busy schedules to seek her help stopping the threat posed by Bubba the Love Sponge.
Mr. Love Sponge, for those of you who have missed this glittering chapter in America's national security history, had announced earlier this year that it was his intention to deep fry a copy of the Quran in animal fats. Apparently, according to the estimable Ms. Kelley, whose three visits to the White House last year almost certainly rank her ahead of many members of Congress or ex-presidents, the potential consequences of the repulsive shock jock's bit of performance diplomacy would have been devastating for America's standing in the Middle East. (While that is certainly true, you can't help but wonder whether policies our leaders apparently are more comfortable with, like invading people's countries, blowing up their villages, and killing their friends and family might be even more inflammatory.)
Fortunately for America, we have the honorary consul from South Korea, Miss Inviolability herself, Jill Kelley, just one touch of a speed dial button away from our national security brain's trust. Generals Petraeus and Allen were able to reach out to her, as they had done in the past when other Floridian nitwits had threatened harm to the Quran. She called the mayor of Tampa, to whom she asserted she was acting on behalf of the generals, and sought his assistance bringing the hammer of justice or at least good taste down on the Love Sponge, a man who until recently had been Tampa's most best-known resident and cultural leader.
As an aside, prior to this bizarro incident in America's War on Terror, Bubba had most recently made his way into the headlines when it was discovered that his then wife was the sex-tape partner of aging, former wrestler and reality show star Hulk Hogan. Thus it came to pass that the CIA sex scandal and the Hulk Hogan sex scandal somehow merged into one, both part of the seemingly permanent oil slick of sleaze that now floats on the surface of American society.